In a magnanimous gesture of bipartisanship, President Bush generously made the following offer to our next speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi:
"I shared with her the names of some Republican interior decorators who can help her pick out the new drapes in her new offices."
Those of you who thought the president would be bitter, shrill, or otherwise unwelcoming to the new incoming leadership, you should be ashamed of yourselves! Clearly President Bush is lighting the darkened pathway of bipartisanship, starting with our nation's number one priority: Speaker Pelosi's office décor. As Speaker, it is always prudent to ensconce oneself within comfortable, yet stately, chambers before proceeding to more tedious matters of governing.
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The president, knowing how crucial Madame Speaker Pelosi's furniture arrangement and color scheme are to her ability to lead the congress, will also be availing her of the Office of Feng Shui's services until she is comfortably situated and ready to get to work.
Of course, had President Bush done his homework, he would know that San Francisco liberals only hire gay interior decorators, and Nancy Pelosi already has her designer Francois on speed dial. However, the gesture did not go unnoticed by Pelosi as she returned the bipartisan gesture, offering to send him an English tutor free of charge.
Now that John Tester has won Minnesota, Bush will also be sending him an office warming present: a shiny new gun rack for the wall and a hound dog to sit at his feet.
Unsure of how best to welcome Senator-elect Sanders, president Bush fell back on the Vermont staple of a Volvo and espresso/latte machine. Sanders sent the gift back with a note that read "I drive a hybrid and drink decaf; you must have been thinking of Howard Dean."
He's still considering how best to properly welcome the dozens of new House members and the remaining senators, but one thing is certain: Bush is not the polarizing figure who is totally reliant on simplistic explanations and categories in order to understand the world around him. He's bipartisan--just ask Nancy Pelosi how her dream of being the first woman to decorate the Speaker's office will now be realized thanks to President Bush.